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“All The News You Never Knew You Needed To Know …Until Now.”

In The News: There’s probably more to this story than ‘meets the ear’: 14 hostages held by FARC in Colombia have been rescued, including Colombian presidential candidate Ingrid Betancourt. Sitrep.

BoRev.net, Venezuela, has some details:

So the big news is hitting the wires…a group of Colombian hostages, including Ingrid Betancourt and three American defense contractors, have been rescued by the Colombian military. This is great news! Of course, everyone who has a stake in Colombia will have some thoughts on this development…

Alvaro Uribe: Hot damn! Talk about timing. Now I can get that constitutional amendment passed for a third term no problem. Hell, they’ll probably even want to just make me president for life or something. Viva Uribe!

Everyone Else in Colombia: Oh shit, now Uribe will probably try and make himself president for life or something.

Hugo Chavez: I guess that $300 million I supposedly gave the FARC sure as hell didn’t help them LEARN HOW TO HIDE HOSTAGES BETTER!

George W. Bush: Does this mean we can’t invade Venezuela?

John McCain: Does this mean we can’t invade Venezuela?

Rafael Correa: Does this mean we can bomb Colombian territory without asking them first?

Barack Obama: How can I work “Yes, we can!” into a speech about this?

Christopher Walken in that Amazing SNL Skit: I need more cowbell! I’ve got a fever for more cowbell!

The FARC: Seriously, we’re not very good at this guerilla warfare stuff. Che made it sound eaaaaasy…

The Right-Wing Paramilitary Death Squads: See Alvaro Uribe.

We kid. We’re happy that their ordeal is over, and we imagine they’re even happier.

The California wildfires… Now there are 1500, and the state says some of them are ‘just going to be left to burn until it rains’. Big Sur is being evacuated.

It’s official. The EXPERTS say the stock market is officially a “Bear Market”

Meanwhile… Rush Limbaugh signs a new contract… $400 MILLION dollars.

The Pentagon gets the go-ahead to send more troops to Afghanistan because we are losing the war there too!

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